Puck {organic}

I haven't posted or read in awhile.
I apologize.
A few quick updates before I go back to class...

-went to SoCal to see Toby- it was amazing! I miss the ocean air and Cal in general.
-Toby & I are getting an apartment together.
-I'm doing my first year at Pitt State, so I can save money and bring up my standardized test scores for UCLA or UCR.
-I'm going to NorCal for Thanksgiving with the family.
-Moms visiting me & getting my first tat for me.
-uhhh... I don't want to go back to American Govt.

Toby: Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with me, while I'm gone?
Corina: I told you it's up to you. I honestly don't want to see other people though, whether the label is there or not doesn't matter to me.
Toby: Ok... just checking.

*shakes head violently* I don't know what I'm doing. This whole Toby & Corina thing, again is just too intense insane. Don't get me wrong I've out of my mind for the kid, but again it's too much too fast. Not really... but sorta. It's rather difficult to explain. Several "talks" have led me back to being much more comfortably with him though. Yesterday, he read my letter blogs. He came to me in tears afterwards and apologized saying he hated thinking he had made me feel that way. That and then everything that was said after that night of tripps with Chase. God... thinking of all this... it's so much. I'm terrified of having this kind of deep attachment. Ugh!

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It's another afternoon of my waiting, wondering, and wishing.
I don't know why I attempt to bring order to my life and make plans.
Not ones with you at least.
Damn... another exhibit of my life.

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I'm still sick, but I really want to go see the new HP movie tonight.
Lol.
*nerd*
But yeeeaaa... the book comes out later this month.
I'm stoked.
Off to vomit, again.
Oh joy...

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I haven't had one since I was in oh, I don't know 7th grade...
But!
I made a melo account today.
Anyone got one? Eh eh....

Start. Stop. Wait. Rewind.

Fuck, this is all wrong.

 I’m clicking past endless old pages of childhood. Abandoned doodles and blogs left unnoticed to the naked eyes. Old love letters- check yes or no for my attention. Technology today- whatever happened to snail mail and tangible notes?
I’m reading what are now empty words and wondering if you still remember me. I doubt you do, but I’m telling you that reading your words with my name plastered everywhere still makes me smile.

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My backs still really sore from thrashing, skanking, moshing, whatever the fuck at the CTP show the other night.
I think I shall attempt sleep soon.
Goodnight world.

bless up.
corina.

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In 672 hours you'll be on a plane out of my life. Stewardesses will serve you peanuts and drinks, while you inhale that freshly pressurized air. Your thoughts will swim throughout the long flight to California, until you finally touch ground and feel that soft sun in your hair.
I hope you'll be smiling, even without me there to bear witness.
Meanwhile, I'll be here- standing in the rain and inhaling the fresh scent of sweet trees covered in condensation and wondering if that last goodbye meant as much to you as it did to me.

These are the things I think about in the back of my mind.

In those long days and months passing you'll be smoking good herb and creating memories never forgotten- good solid memories with family and friends.
You'll spend your days with your skin absorbing the salty ocean and gasping for air after too many minutes under a wave of what could be forever.
Afterwards, you'll spend your nights surrounded by the glow of city lights and loud music blared out from one of those fierce venues you always used to talk about.
I'll recreate that concept with headphones that muffle algebra equations. My head spinning as I doodle on the edges of term papers as though they should be pages for my scrapbook back home. These moments will be attempts to drown out that which I rather not ponder. I'll pencil in a long night of ingesting toxins just to forget about the idea, that one of them might make you feel better than me.

These are the things I think about in the back of my mind.

In these days present I'll sit here typing away furiously and contemplating what it will be like, when you get back. I'll be here in my empty makeshift house, couchless, thirsty, and staring out the window at all the cars filled with wandering souls. Perhaps, one day I will be one of those souls. Or perhaps one day we will wander together, again.

These are the things I think about in the back of my mind.

_ _ _ _ _
x-posted.
tell me what you think.

bless up.
corina.